PTSD -traumatic Mental experiences BPD and human evolving conditions :
August 20th 2018
My normal has felt phonic; when I see this city, my surroundings, and when I look out to see what I have come to know of this world, it’s just not there anymore.
honestly not much has felt authentic or completely what I previously would have considered “real” for my reality.
I suddenly found myself sensing a very noticeable difference in how the world started to look or in how I began to see the world around me and others.
A difference that existed to me through other sensories, not just visually. A continuously sensing life altering difference since last year.
In my search for conclude, I evaluated many passable avenues to resume my life in reality with others.
Wondering if it was the outer world or mental inner condition(s) “difference” I had become aware of?
It can really throw your little world off when your direct stimuli is no longer the normal percieve to be.
I thought possibly it could be evolved preconditioned mind perceivings?
Each sound before this sensed “difference” had its place. Each encountered humans face had its labeled files. Every noticed shadow the same.
Moving along then thinking possibly it was my senses that were off. (eyes, ears, smell ect) Maybe they had actually taken in my normal experienced surroundings of the world and others. “Misfiring” in their processing and reporting of information. Was I surrounded by the same outer world and the inauthenticity, the difference I was sensing actually within me?
I was in a race to get to the answer(s).
I questioned the situation,
Had I humanly, unconsciously, developed, a new mindful information self relaying mindstate
Proffessional help offering little to no answers, ease, nor healing I sought my own. I am very much resolution driven when in the company of any issue. I was especially driven for swift resolve, when becoming aware of my mental state.
I began, overtime experiencing more and more abnormal perceivings. From sensing a difference, to the seeing and hearing of many “differences”. To altered states of speed and movement of others and objects. To extreme paradillia and shadows not casting as they seem should, along with many other very extreme and traumatic experiences within there.
Instinctively, on alert and in pursuit of resolve, I analyzed many possible cause and resolves. Intensely, I hastily saught my realities mend; conscious of damaging effect(s) such a state is absolutely dangerously capable of in its quick unraveling. Sometimes there was just no mental safety to be found. Mostly only chaos and fear.
Resulting for a time in painful left remnants full of gaps. That can hinder or prevent mental healing.
Lacking understanding of where to repair or how to prevent its happenings again. You can’t really put a puzzle together without all of the pieces. Whether it be many unexplainable unnatural experiences actually being concieved correctly by me or my mental state perceiving a normal experience “defectively” within really began to not matter at this point. In exaughsting all my intulectual “cause and resolve possibles”, I, inside myself concluded whether it was out or within… Real or all in my head…. It mattered not because it was very very much real to me and my life’s dismantling, regardless… To be Continued …..
Please stay tuned for the rest of this articles story to be posted.
The contined 2nd part of this article:
& now the, “How to” on How I have started to mentally and spiritually transform trauma into the rebuilding and healing of my being as a whole, post experiencing many traumatic events.
I joyfully say this, for me the rebuilding transformation, it is just as much a part of my everyday reality as was the, at times, torturous traumas. However, now imprinting within my being, pleasantly in as much or more in comparison to the imprinting unpleasantries in my traumatic experiences and thereafter. Imprints that most certainly change realities and future experience all together. So for the readers that may still be in some sort of suffering mentally or traumatic state there is light coming through the tunnels of past “mental traumas”.
How to begin to over come mental illnesses, traumatic endured patterned thinking, repetitive unwanted life circles, societies titled, PTSD and its triggers….
It’s important to keep in mind that everyones yellow brick road is somewhat different. Also, please do share in comments, your “how tos”.
I have studied, researched, experimented, prayed, cried, attempted suicide, saught intently for answers from my higher power, God love. I have voluntarily received professional treatment, taken prescribed mental medicines, all in the process of my now more mentally and spritually aware and peaceful state. It has proved in my healing, that a conscious continuos effort of becoming, being, and maintaining your awareness, awareness of your thought. Habitually, developing an awareness state of the insanity within reoccurring thought and thought patterns entering the human mind-brain. One thought can rise to action.
…understanding that every thought that comes in is not the , ” be all end all.
It seems thoughts and perceptions unconsciously have mostly been accepting without dispute. It is preconditioned memory referenced repeating thought that has been amongst the leading of our devlopment as a race,. Not something I see that needs to be “overcome” by the collective but trained…,tamed.
Take your thought and maintain an unbiased, unemotional, label-less observing stance. Then you can chose whether you want to entertain it or not. Basically, see that there are endless different sources for a triggering sound.
Each thought that comes in the brain-mind reference to a previous experience or fill in the blanks to a conclude. Example a car backfiring, to a war vet may be accepted and always believed as danger relating to gun fire. When more than not it is not the case.
This type of awareness, thought recognition accompanied by discipline of incoming thought has within my healing process, noticeably produced elevated desired results, concerning my undesirable extreme traumatic mental state. For some it may not take as much effort but it will take a focused determined effort nonetheless.
There were times I felt like nothing would bring relief.
Even assuming the identity of being victimized with belief within my racing continued day after day fear filled thoughts that everything and everyone was against me and hated me.
As if there was some secret that everyone knew and I was the only one kept in the dark, only to be hurt by all. I had thought that if there was God then God would have to then be the alloworer of my state.
The bibles words grabbed a meaningful way of understanding the statement, “…If God be for me, then who could be against me.” In that moment. Then, I glimpsed through what I knew of the people that are storied in the bible and in histories writings and I didn’t find one that didn’t have a struggle, a battle, to flower through.
Aristotle’s quoted words, “There is no great genius without a touch of madness”, Albert’s quote, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” Both brought some self situational acceptance and ease.
In my attempts to rebuild even at minimal or obtain the basics of material (clothes, shoes, makeup ect) would with tears watch it all crumble or be hastily be stripped away. Every unsucessful job hunt, little or no friends nor family to seek assistance, without shelter some nights… everything seemed to crumble and at every attempt. Not realizing then, that the crumbles actually prevented me from creating myself a reality similar to Aristole’s quote “insanely” building the way I built my reality that had traumatically crumbled what I knew to be my world. Doing the same things over and over again expecting a different result.
I then realized that I had developed, evolved, grew in compassion, a being one with a deeper understanding of love and the loving of another. It was the stripping experiences that had part been the tool in what taught me .
Thank for joining me, GazaLeah Star @GazaleahArt